Forgetting How to Count

Forgetting How to Count

Hey People of the internet,

I want to start a journey, and I wonder if you will come along with me.

I want to forget how to count, matter of fact… I want to forget numbers all together.

I want to live in a world that I dont care about the number of dollars in my back account, boys I have slept with, pounds that I weight, marks I have gotten,  speeches I have given, scars I have caused myself, or boys+speaking engagements who have turned me down. I feel like caring about these numbers has caused me more pain than it has been worth. Regardless of how much you try to be “good” someone will always beat you. Someone will always be more successful, prude, sane, or sought after than me. Counting these numbers has kept my stuck in the land of low self esteem. Counting leads to comparing, and comparing leads to either jealously or making someone else feel bad.  I want to be proud of the life I fight so hard for and not count how I live up the attributes that people say I should cherish. While I have to care about the extremes of these numbers (aka losing all my money, gaining a ton of weight) I want to change my life so that I can live my life in a way that makes me happy. Caring about all of these things has made me feel shameful, guilty and depressed. As long as I have enough money to get me by, my health and living my life safely, why do these things matter?

I want to learn to be kind to myself and i feel like giving up the number watching and the arbitrary meanings attached to them might help me on my way. I want to give when I can, love with all that I can, and care for people who want to be cared for. I want to cherish my friendships, my smiles and the smiles i cause, laughter, and all the beauty the world has to offer. Even in my youthful arrogance I realize this can be hard, but by realizing we shouldn’t care… maybe it will start the journey to not caring.  If I must count, I want to count something that everyone should want to do. I want to count the number of times I smile, how many times I think that this idea is silly and laugh at myself, the number of hugs I give, or smiles I cause. I want to count the stuff that makes everyone feel good.  Because I might never be thin, prude, successful or smart. But at the very least, I can try my best to make myself and others as happy as we can be.

So, as of today. Don’t ask me for my weight, my bank account ( even if you are an african prince), my boyfriend count or any other number I shouldn’t care about. But please, do ask me if I made anyone smile today… because if I haven’t that person might be you.

 

Alicia.